ON GRIEF
Someone once said it is the finality of death that makes it painful, the fact that you would never get to see that person anymore is what makes death unbearable. Is it though? Is that what makes it hurt the most?
For me, MEMORIES are the reason death hurts us. The memories we created and the ones we failed to create with our departed ones are the major cause of the pain we experience. Think about it, when people grieve, one thing is they emphasize is how they would miss carrying out certain activities with the departed or is how they wish they had carried out certain activities with them. Ironically, these memories would also in later times serve as a form of comfort for us, we would later be grateful we had the opportunity to have shared those moments with them.
There are certain things in life that only people who have experienced them can truly understand the emotions that come with them, one of such is death. And with death, no matter how many times a person suffers a loss, each circumstance comes with its own unique pain, and Oh! It hurts so much. I feel like no one has ever been able to fully express that pain in words, and that’s why we wail, we groan and we scream because we really would love to let out that burden that holds us. If I were to describe it, it feels like there’s a strong fabric firmly wrapped around your heart and all you want to do is loosen it up but there’s no way to do that because your heart is not somewhere you can just touch.
One other thing they never tell you about losing a loved one is the trauma it leaves with you. Now whenever you hear that anyone is ill, you become restless. It leaves you living in continuous fear of losing yet another person even in situations that shouldn't ordinarily make you afraid. But that is what death does to us. Personally, I feel everyone who has ever suffered this loss should see a therapist at least once in their lifetime.
Today makes it exactly 16 years since I lost my daddy and that was my initiation into the grieving community. I remember how they had told us that time would heal the pain we felt at the time. Guess what! Time has not healed anything, I still wail once in a while, I still argue with God and ask the same question of why He let it happen, I still scold my daddy sometimes for leaving us, and sometimes I hate life and wish I had died in his place, at my most memorable days I wish daddy was around, at my lowest I wish I could call him and talk to him. Whenever I have questions regarding my career, I wish I could hear his opinion.
Most times I sit and imagine what my dad would have been like in light of the technological advancement of our world, one thing I know for sure is that he would never have pronounced WhatsApp as “WOZZUP”, I am sure he would have been an ardent user of LinkedIn, he may not have really liked Facebook but I think he would have loved Instagram since he loved creating memories and having a swell time. He probably would have also held a few political positions. One thing I know is daddy would have been an “IT” guy, the “RMD” kind of daddy, he would have known his way around social media without my help, so I wouldn’t have had the privilege of laughing at him.
I miss my daddy so much, and I still hurt. Sometimes the Holy Spirit comforts me, other times I’m in so much pain that I refuse to let Him into my heart. I have made peace with the fact that this is my scar to have until the day I leave this world. That on every special occasion of my life — my birthday (which by the way is the day he was buried, and I have not really forgiven those people who did this to me), the day I make giant strides in my career, my wedding day, the day I have my own children, etc., I would always think of him and wish I could share those moments with him.
I pray my daddy continues to rest with God, I know he loved singing so I pray He continues to sing with the angels, I pray he continues to watch over us and intercede on our behalf. Daddy, you would always remain the man I loved first and the one I loved the most.
Adieu, papa.
